Yesterday was my 38th birthday. My greatest learning for the day was the difference between one whiskey and two whiskies to a 38-year-old body. It’s big.
I had another big learning yesterday as well. It was about connection.
Three years ago, I was fired and given two weeks to start my own business, find a location, and build a profitable practice. This activated a deep well of old trauma around betrayal, abandonment, and fear of material insecurity. But it didn’t destroy me.
I fucking hustled until my practice was thriving, making more money than I was in my previous job, for myself, dependent on no one.
And this is the belief I functioned on: No one is going to be able to do this for you. You have to do it all yourself. There is no space in your life to need others. Do it yourself.
So for the past three years, I have manifested from this place. You are on your own. Figure it out. Don’t expect anyone to do this with you. You are solely responsible for yourself and your desires.
So the manifestations have looked a lot like: I want to manifest X amount of dollars so I can be safe, so I don’t need my husband to support me, I don’t need a business partner to help me, I don’t need anyone to have to bend or move to make room for me in the world.
And: I want to manifest a thriving successful business with lots of accolades and recognition so no one can touch me or tear me down, no one can abandon me or betray me ever again. When I am most powerful, I will be unfuckablewith.
And: I’m going to write the book that will change the world, so everyone knows how amazing I am and gives me lots of money so I can be safe and secure and no one can fuck with me ever again.
Also, so I can have another baby and my husband can’t resent me for needing to support me and our baby. So there.
When I look at these words I’ve just written, I feel the dropping in my heart, the disappointment in the realization, the understanding that instead of asking spirit to guide me when I had the opportunity to create something fully in alignment with my highest path, I instead chose to build it on fear, insecurity, and the belief in my own inadequacy and isolation.
As I look deeper into the root of these beliefs, I see the words etched into my DNA:
You do not belong here, and no one wants you.
We live in a world where to be fully authentic and to love oneself are RADICAL ACTS. It is going directly against the stream of our larger culture that wants us to know deep in our bones that we are not enough, will never be enough, but must keep striving and working to fuel this machine of capitalism, patriarchy, white supremacy and if we don’t, we will be punished for falling out of line.
And yet…in the last three years, the ground has begun to shift beneath our very feet. The veil of this lie that we do not belong, that no one wants us, that we will never be enough has slowly been pulled back to see the truth underneath: there is something more here for us. There is more to this life than work, and money, and hustling, and collecting thousands of followers, and absolute power.
Spirit is asking me to stop manifesting from my ego, that part of me that is only trying to keep me safe and cares little about thriving, or joy, or alignment. As I’ve sat with this request over the last few weeks, I am understanding how deeply difficult this is for me. And so I’m a bit stuck in a space of no action. Or, more precisely, my first action is to get my ego back in its place, in service to my soul’s purpose.
And what that looks like to me right now is to delete social media off my phone. Because here is what I really DO NOT need:
- A free masterclass on ANYTHING
- 2 days to your next 4K
- How to get more likes, shares, and comments
- Opinions on vaccines, guns, sexual predators in high government offices, and how the world is about to explode any minute now with whatever the next crisis is to get my adrenaline pumping
- FB tracking my life, my friendships, my spending habits, where my eyes are focused as I scroll down the page so they can see if I’m secretly looking at that ad that I really don’t want to see
- A better angle, catchy language, the next big thing
- Fake eyelashes, a little more cleavage, a heartfelt post that is really trying to sell me something
- Crystals, and boots, dresses and bras and magical getaways and free giveaways
- Never ending reminders of how much better everyone else is doing; or how awful everyone is doing, or those people hanging out without me and being way cooler than me and speaking so much more eloquently or whatever the fuck ways I want to feel inferior
And at 38, here is what I do need:
- Eye contact
- Heartfelt hugs that go on a little too long
- Some goddamn peace and quiet
- Watching the fog move through the mountains as I drink my tea in the morning
- Fresh air
- Justice, equity, and safety FOR ALL!
- To be with myself, to love myself, to forgive myself
- Rest and healing
- Cuddles and kisses
- Chemical-free food, cosmetics, and basically everything else
- Al-Anon meetings
- Deep conversation with tears and laughter and everything in between
- To allow myself to need.
I need real connection. I keep believing that my achievements will bring me safety and then I will finally feel good, but it’s CONNECTION that creates safety, not accomplishments and power and money.
So this year, I’m going to focus less on achieving and more on connecting. With myself, with spirit, and with the people in my life whom I love so dearly.
This is what it is to get older; peeling away the layers of fear-based conditioning to get more to the heart of why we are really here, and that is:
to love and feel and take in every element of a single moment until you are so filled up your heart will burst with the beauty of it.
Last night I was sitting around a fire-pit at McMenimans, one of my best girlfriends Lilli sitting across from me, my mother next to her, the sparks from the fire rising up into the sky as dusk fell, pink and blue sky behind the silhouetted aspen and cedar trees, the smell of a cigar wafting in and out with the juniper campfire smoke, and the moment was pure magic. All I needed. In that moment I felt loved and held by the universe in a way I haven’t in a long time.
This year, I will be creating more openings for connection and building community, for calling in beauty and love and joy and fuck-all how much money it makes me.
Abundance comes in many forms. What are you calling in this year?